i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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