im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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