She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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