i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
