I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
FUCK WHALES
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
