I am puke
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
