I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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