I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize