i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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