I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
