Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
