Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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