she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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