Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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