My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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