i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
