bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
