There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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