Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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