I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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