Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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