This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
