You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
