Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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