nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
