I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just gargled with NyQuil
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
