Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
