god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
