Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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