I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
