Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
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