I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I believe in your delicious
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
