Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
