Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize