you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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