Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
