I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
