YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
