Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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