My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
