You just made me feel so damn special
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
