I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
