ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
