Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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