How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
