I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
