im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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