the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
