I think I won the penis lottery.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
