He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize