I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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