I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
