I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
