Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
