When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
