Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
