We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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