Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
