We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
