This is not my ceiling
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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