he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
