I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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