wanna go halves on a baby?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
