My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
