So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
